shaktigardens.com news and events
shaktigardens is a venue in Johannesburg South Africa with events and therapies to honour and encourage the Goddess in all women.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Please note that we will be open over the Easter Holidays!
All massages booked with Don will be offered at a discount for Easter until the end of the month (this applies to massage healing only and not workshops/teachings - this offer only applies to bookings with Don)
Full Body Massage
Discounted from R500 to R400
Tantric Sensual Energy Massages
Discounted from R600 to R500
Tantric Sexual Energy and Yoni Massages
Discounted from R700 to R600
Feel free to call for more details
082 961 5454
Overweight and enjoy sex
In our society, it can be very hard for fat people to own their sexuality. Here, Marianne offers a guide for enjoying sex at any size, with any size partner.
Even when someone “cares about my health,” what it often really comes down to is that they do not want to have sex with a fat person: “You can’t make me want to fuck a fat person.”
This is actually true. If you don’t want to fuck me, I cannot force you to want to fuck me. And, indeed, I would not want to force you because that would be icky and gross and far too complicit in perpetuating rape culture for me to be into it. The thing that these folks don’t seem to get? There are actually plenty of people who want to have sex with fatties.
But for some reason, fat sex seems to be the most threatening topic ever for a whole lot of people. Fat sex gets fetishized and turned into a taboo topic. Maybe that’s why I’m so eager to talk about it all the time — because fat sex is often just sex like anyone else may be having.

Recently, Bevin Branlandingham (who has one of my favorite last names to just kind of repeat because it’s fun to say) posted 7 Ways To Be A Good Ally To Your Fat Lover – including the fundamental concept that you are worthy of sexual pleasure in your body just the way it is right now, without any changes.
(I’d clarify that “sexual pleasure” is a highly variable and personal definition and some folks are not interested in it and that is also completely and totally rad. Because no one owes anyone anything just because some person has found them sexually desirable.)
One striking characteristic of a lot of fat sex conversations: how important it is to be conscious of and make an effort to combat your own internalized fat hate — even if you are yourself fat! We’re all soaking in it, after all. But there are also some practical things people can do that I wanted to bring up.
Ah, sex. Let’s discuss.
Here’s a thing I know: It really is very hard for a lot of fat people to own their own sexual identities. Part of the messaging fat people receive is one of desexualization. Fat sexual identity is denied to us.
Part of having a healthy and satisfying sex life as a fat person is learning to get over that. Which is so much harder than simply saying, “Get over it.” If you’re into partnered sex, you’re doing it with SOMEONE, and that means you’re taking a risk. Hopefully a small risk but a risk just the same. Here are some of the things that I have found to be successful when it comes to my own enjoyment of doing the deed.
Rule 1: Never have sex with someone who says mean things about your body.
They don’t deserve to fuck you. Period. Unless you have a humiliation kink and have requested such negative commentary, anyone who says something mean about your body and then expects to have naked access to it should be denied. Yes, this means that sometimes you will turn down people you’d like to fuck. But do not reward anyone who thinks it is acceptable to insult the person they want to have sex with.
Note: I think this actually includes people you are married to. Because bodies change but if they can’t handle that? You might need a new partner.
Rule 2: Practice being naked.
If you cannot be naked with yourself, it is probably going to be really hard to be naked with other people. It is totally okay to need to dip your toe into nakedness a little bit, but being comfortable enough to take off the T-shirt is going to improve your sex life. And not just because the T-shirt will be out of the way but because it’s easier to have a good time when you feel comfortable.
Hang out in your living room naked (if you are able). Try sleeping naked! Get comfortable with the way your body moves and shifts.
Rule 3: Speak up.
If you don’t like something, tell your partner. The goal is for you both to have a grand time; you are not just there to serve as a tool for them to get off. (Again, unless you’re into that sort of thing. Hey, it can be fun.) But the more ashamed we are to say we like certain things, the less likely we are to be in control of our own consensual sexual experiences.
And just talking about sex really can be kind of sexy. It builds the anticipation!
Fact: Talking about sex can also be really awkward. I’d say the only answer to this is to learn to embrace the awkward. It gets easier. And laughing about it together can be awesome.
Rule 4: Focus On How It Feels.
If you’re feeling shaky about how a certain position would look to an outsider, remember that you are not performing for an audience (unless you actually happen to be doing so). How it looks doesn’t actually matter — because sex often looks ridiculous as hell. What matters is how it feels to you and your partner. And as long as both of you are feeling good, it really shouldn’t matter if an observer would find it sexy.
If you need proof of this, watch some porn. Seriously, why do men in porn never take off their white socks?
Rule 5: Try New Things.
I’m a big believer in the idea that I won’t know if I like something unless I’ve tried it a couple of times. Some of the most fun I’ve ever had has involved trying something I wasn’t 100% convinced I was going to enjoy. You’ve got to try it with a partner or partners you trust, but ideally you aren’t fucking anyone who won’t stop if you change your mind about something anyway.
Because it’s all right to not like something and ask to stop, too. But letting your insecurity about your body stop you from trying ANYTHING is going to limit your fun. Just go at your own pace.
But what, you might be wondering, can people who want to have sex with fat people do? How can you as a person who wants to get it on with a fatty improve your relationship and your chances? It’s for the best that you’ve asked.
Don’t Make It All About The Fat
This is where a lot of fat admirers, whether they claim the identity or not, fuck up immediately. A lot of fat people, particularly fat women, have a hard time believing that someone could be sexually attracted to them. If someone comes along and is then only sexually attracted to their fat, well, it comes across as creepy. Coming across as creepy does not (except in some subcultures) generally result in you getting laid.
Being attracted to fat bodies is awesome. But if your lover thinks they are a stand in for just ANY OLD FAT BODY, that’s depersonalizing and not sexy (unless you’re both into that). Make it personal — if you love my fat belly, tell me you love MY fat belly and why.
Note: If you’re with a person because you love that person and you are not sure about their fat, that is a valid thing for you to feel. But it’s going to be tricky to navigate. Don’t be afraid of touching your fat lover’s body. Figure out what you love about the experience. Never, ever say, “I never thought I could enjoy sex with a fat person.”
Don’t Be Afraid To Ask What’s Working — And What Isn’t
Some fat folks are hella bendy and some are not very flexible. If you’re trying to pretzel around into a new position, ask your partner if it’s working. Just as there are accommodations for fat bodies in yoga, there are accommodations for fat bodies in sex. Being open to those accommodations is only the first half of the process — you’ve also got to talk to your partner to make sure those accommodations are effective.
You might also try talking to other fat people, too. No need to reinvent the wheel when someone has invented the Liberator wedge, y’all.
A lot of people (of all body types) are especially insecure when it comes to sex, but failure is totally an inherent part of the trial and error process. Not everything is going to work on the first attempt. You might need to try something entirely different but you might also just need to, for example, use the Liberator to help your partner angle their hips a little more. (Also, as confirmed via Twitter and experience, many fatties just need an assist getting their legs higher to achieve deeper penetration. Learn it, live it. If you like that sort of thing.)
Be Mindful Of Your Partner’s Comfort Zones And Boundaries
I know I said I’m all for pushing boundaries. But that’s when it comes to personal boundaries. Sex can be a pretty vulnerable time. Which means it is NOT the time for making other people do things they just aren’t comfortable doing. (Generally speaking, no time is the time for that.) (If you’re in agreement and have pre-negotiated things, that’s a little different.) If your lover isn’t comfortable with you grabbing their thighs, do not grab their thighs. That should be obvious.
At the same time, if your partner responds well to having their belly kissed, then go to town kissing their belly. This is one of those things that I always doubt really needs pointing out but then, yeah, it really needs pointing out. If you’ve never been with a fat person before, this is a good chance for you to get up close and personal, too.
Sex is a great big fat topic, of course, and there are always more things to discuss! What works for you and what advice do you have for folks with fat lovers? And I’d like to recommend, both for fatties and the people who fuck them, Hanne Blank’s superlative source book “Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them)” — it’s a sexy sexy game changer.
Chat with Marianne who actually almost never talks about sex on Twitter: @TheRotund.
Originally appeared at xoJane
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Sunday, March 24, 2013
Yoga at Shakti Gardens
Every Monday evening we host a Skyclad Yoga class - this is a clothing optional class for a mixed group of male and female.
Tuesday evening is reserved for a Men's Group Yoga class
Class starts at 7pm
Cost R80 per person
17 Anreith Str - Franklin Roosevelt Park
Please call for more detail
Don - 082 961 5454
Orgasm Facts
Things You Never Knew About Climaxes
Ever pondered the science behind orgasms (or wondered how they boost your health or change with age)? Probably not — especially when you’re smack-dab in the middle of one.
But as it turns out, there are plenty of interesting things to know about sex's crowning glory. For example, were you aware that some people can think themselves into having an orgasm — or that men have G-spots, too?
The sexual climax has been mystifying people for thousands of years (including your high-school boyfriend) — and that’s why we’ve gathered some of the most fascinating facts about orgasms out there. Take a peek!
Women Climax Prematurely, Too
You hear a lot of about premature ejaculation — the tendency for a man to ejaculate with little sexual stimulation, usually just after sex begins (or even prior to getting started). Doctors estimate that about 20 to 30 percent of men will prematurely ejaculate at some point in their lives.
You hear a lot of about premature ejaculation — the tendency for a man to ejaculate with little sexual stimulation, usually just after sex begins (or even prior to getting started). Doctors estimate that about 20 to 30 percent of men will prematurely ejaculate at some point in their lives.
But it’s not just guys who peak too soon. A recent survey of Portuguese women between the ages of 18 and 45 found that about 40 percent of participants occasionally orgasm before they intend to — and about 3 percent of them do so chronically.
While premature orgasm is certainly a problem for some females (and they should feel comfortable speaking about it with their doctors, says study researcher Serafim Carvalho, MD), a much more widespread issue for women is the inability to reach orgasm.
Not All Orgasms Are Earth Shattering
If you think you’re doing something wrong because each and every one of your orgasms isn’t scream-worthy , think again.
If you think you’re doing something wrong because each and every one of your orgasms isn’t scream-worthy , think again.
“Some orgasms are sweet and gentle, some are big — but in fact, they are all pleasurable,” says Betty Dodson, PhD, a sex educator in private practice in New York City and the best-selling author of Sex for One and Orgasms for Two. But if you feel like your climaxes aren’t up to par, Dodson advocates scheduling some “alone time” to learn about what arouses you, as well as your range of orgasmic responses (then you can share this information with your partner!).
Are High Heels Orgasmic?
Shoe designer Christian Louboutin made quite a splash when he told British newspaper The Sunday Times that high heels and orgasms have a lot in common. “What is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms,” he said. “So putting your foot in a heel, you are putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation.”
Shoe designer Christian Louboutin made quite a splash when he told British newspaper The Sunday Times that high heels and orgasms have a lot in common. “What is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms,” he said. “So putting your foot in a heel, you are putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation.”
Is that true? We’re not so sure. But we do know that those oh-so sexy stilettos can bring on a whole lot of pain — and according to the American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons (AAOS), they are more likely to cause bunions.
Want To Orgasm? Get Your Head In The Game
Your sky-high electric bill, that big meeting at work, last night’s episode of "The Kardashians" — are you constantly thinking about everything but sex when you’re having sex?
Your sky-high electric bill, that big meeting at work, last night’s episode of "The Kardashians" — are you constantly thinking about everything but sex when you’re having sex?
Join the club — research reported in the journal Sexologies points out that many women have difficulty reaching orgasm because of their wandering, distracting thoughts mid-romp. And oftentimes, those thoughts are negative, according to the study’s 191 participants (troubling thoughts included sexual dysfunction, body image issues, even sexual abuse).
If your mind keeps wandering during sex, you may want to make a conscious effort to keep your mind on the prize.
Guys Have G-Spots, Too
For women, the G-spot is a hard-to-find (or some say mythical) place inside the vagina that can set off earth-shattering orgasms. But do men have similar orgasmic potential?
For women, the G-spot is a hard-to-find (or some say mythical) place inside the vagina that can set off earth-shattering orgasms. But do men have similar orgasmic potential?
According to Dr. Niederberger, the anatomical equivalent on the male is the frenulum, a collection of highly sensitized nerves just under the head of the penis. Whether G-spots really exist is still up for debate, but Niederberger says it’s important to remember that both men and women can have toe-curlingly-satisfying sex lives without one.
Fast And Stealthy Wins The Race
Not all sperm are created equal. In fact, take any given sample sperm that get released during the male orgasm, and you’ll find some that are dead or immobile and others that are relatively speedy (they get even speedier in response to chemical signals from a woman’s vagina and egg).
Not all sperm are created equal. In fact, take any given sample sperm that get released during the male orgasm, and you’ll find some that are dead or immobile and others that are relatively speedy (they get even speedier in response to chemical signals from a woman’s vagina and egg).
“Sperm should move at 30 micrometers per second or more,” says urologist Craig Niederberger, MD, FACS, head of the department of urology at the University of Illinois in Chicago. Also, they should generally move forward, rather than simply bouncing around in one spot.
The Hands-Free Orgasm Is Real
“A few folks can literally ‘think’ off,” says Dodson. (Supposedly, that list includes Lady Gaga — as she once told New York Magazine “You know, sense memory is a powerful thing. I can give myself an orgasm just by thinking about it.”)
“A few folks can literally ‘think’ off,” says Dodson. (Supposedly, that list includes Lady Gaga — as she once told New York Magazine “You know, sense memory is a powerful thing. I can give myself an orgasm just by thinking about it.”)
Don’t think you can reach climax by harnessing your dirty thoughts? You can certainly enjoy making an attempt of it, says Dodson. And the visualization that could get you there might spice up your sex life, no matter what the outcome. Even if your thoughts alone aren’t orgasmic, thinking about — and talking about — sex makes for sexier foreplay.
You Can ‘Yogasm’
A recent revelation about yoga is bringing all new meaning to the phrase “downward facing dog.” Some yoga fanatics are claiming that, mid-yoga-session, they have been known to experience a “yogasm” — an orgasm set off without any sort of stimulation or touching involved.
A recent revelation about yoga is bringing all new meaning to the phrase “downward facing dog.” Some yoga fanatics are claiming that, mid-yoga-session, they have been known to experience a “yogasm” — an orgasm set off without any sort of stimulation or touching involved.
Though the concept has been around for a while, more and more yogis have been speaking out it about, bringing yoga-induced orgasms a whole lot of attention. Are they real? Absolutely, sexologist Jeffre TallTrees recently told The Daily Beast. “When women engage their PC [pubococcygeus] muscles, the tissue around the g-spot swells, which can lead to climax.”
You Can ‘Coregasm,’ Too
Turns out, flat abs aren't the only thing you can achieve by hitting the gym. According to Men's Health, that extra set of crunches may also help women reach mind-blowing orgasms.
Turns out, flat abs aren't the only thing you can achieve by hitting the gym. According to Men's Health, that extra set of crunches may also help women reach mind-blowing orgasms.
This phenomenon — known as the "coregasm" — sometimes occurs when women perform certain abdominal exercises, such as side crunches and single leg planks. These workouts cause tension in the legs and abdomen, and when combined with dopamine and endorphins released during exercise, experts say this can be all the stimulation that's needed. In addition, since these movements hit the inner thighs, women with strong abdominal muscles may inadvertently squeeze the pelvic muscles in the process.
One motion won't do the trick, but repeatedly contracting the muscles during ab training might. But fitness experts warn that you should never sacrifice good form in the pursuit of the big O during your workout.
Orgasms Can Relieve Pain
Should you ditch the painkillers for a romp in the hay or solo-style sex? “I recommend women masturbate to orgasm to relieve their monthly cramps,” says Dodson.
Should you ditch the painkillers for a romp in the hay or solo-style sex? “I recommend women masturbate to orgasm to relieve their monthly cramps,” says Dodson.
There are several possible reasons climaxing kills pain. The chemical and muscular cascade involved in having an orgasm may be a pain reliever, she says — and chances are that distraction and profound relaxation also help. In any case, it can’t hurt to try.
Orgasms May Actually Get Better With Age
Whether having an orgasm is qualitatively better at age 40 than age 20 is hard to say. However, chances are, you know your body better and are more comfortable with sex and your partner when you get older. “A young body may respond better to orgasm, but an aging body might have more appreciation for an orgasm,” says Dodson. Take the time to learn about your changing orgasmic style.
Whether having an orgasm is qualitatively better at age 40 than age 20 is hard to say. However, chances are, you know your body better and are more comfortable with sex and your partner when you get older. “A young body may respond better to orgasm, but an aging body might have more appreciation for an orgasm,” says Dodson. Take the time to learn about your changing orgasmic style.
Most Guys Are Seven-Minute Men
For many people, the length of time it takes to reach orgasm varies and depends on a number of different factors, including arousal, stress levels, tiredness, and relationship dynamics.
For many people, the length of time it takes to reach orgasm varies and depends on a number of different factors, including arousal, stress levels, tiredness, and relationship dynamics.
However, researchers have established that, for men, “from penetration to ejaculation, the average time is seven minutes,” says Niederberger. The timeframe for women is considerably more variable — in fact, women’s orgasms overall are less predictable: Some females may never achieve climax with vaginal intercourse, and some claim to have multiple orgasms.
Turns Out, The Female Orgasm Is Important
Your ninth-grade biology teacher probably told you this: For reproduction purposes, only the male orgasm is necessary.
Your ninth-grade biology teacher probably told you this: For reproduction purposes, only the male orgasm is necessary.
While he certainly has a point (male ejaculation, which accompanies orgasm, helps improve the chances of the sperm making their way toward the woman’s egg), Indiana University professor Elizabeth Lloyd has been studying the purpose of female climax for some time. Here’s what she found: The female orgasm promotes “pair bonding,” which means a couple is more likely to pursue parenting; it’s a part of mate selection (a woman chooses her partner based on his ability to make her climax); and there is some belief that contractions during the female orgasm help draw sperm into the uterus.
So go ahead — have an orgasm tonight, for science’s sake.
The Truth About Multiple Orgasms
Do some women orgasm, only to orgasm again (and then yet again)?
Do some women orgasm, only to orgasm again (and then yet again)?
While it is certainly possible for individuals to have more than one orgasm in a sexual interlude, Dodson says to proceed with caution. “My concern with so-called ‘multiple orgasms’ is that I believe many women are actually counting the naturally occurring autonomic reflexes that can follow an orgasm,” she says. Of course, these “aftershocks” can still be quite pleasurable.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Female ejaculate

Whether you’ve seen it in porn, or heard about it from friends, or maybe because she’s like what-the-heck-just happened to my body, I swear I didn’t mean to pee on the bed, female ejaculation is one of those sex topics that people all over the interwebs are often gushing about (and one of the most popular questions I get here, at AskJamye). Whether it’s because she can’t understand how it happens, because he’s trying to figure why, or because she’s trying to determine if it really is an orgasm, when it comes to those of us curious about sex, we are often intrigued, excited, or embarrassed by squirting.
First, let me get my ejaculation gripes out of the way. I am not a fan of experts or videos, which lead people to believe that ejaculation makes for the best! orgasm! ever! I get upset when I see a video or read an “expert” say that in order to experience sex fully, you should ejaculate. Squirting is neat, but not necessary. You may not even like ejaculating. As someone who’s gone with the flow, I can say that while it can be fun, and definitely visually interesting, it’s not always an orgasm, and it doesn’t equal electrifying sex. Instead of thinking of it in terms of orgasm, I like to think of it as a big release. What squirting does do, is it make things really wet.
Speaking of wet, I also want to spend a moment talking about the term female ejaculation. Female ejaculate is truer to the consistency of water than paste. Squirting looks a lot more like pee than like cum, even though, no, it’s not pee either.
That being said, I prefer the action word squirting to ejaculating, since for me, ejaculating implies not only a semen-like consistency, but a need to find a way to group male, and female orgasms together. In reality, we’ve got similar parts and yet our orgasms, and our capacity to orgasm, can be rather different.
That being said, I prefer the action word squirting to ejaculating, since for me, ejaculating implies not only a semen-like consistency, but a need to find a way to group male, and female orgasms together. In reality, we’ve got similar parts and yet our orgasms, and our capacity to orgasm, can be rather different.
Whatever way it drips, there’s a lot more of it than he ever makes, and G-spot guru Beverly Whipple says that female ejaculate can fill up half a coffee cup (depending on the size of your mug). What is similar to male ejaculate is that female ejaculate also contains PSA (a prostate specific antigen, which is produced in male jizz), it’s the closest fluid to semen in the female body, and it can shoot out from in between her legs, via both the skene’s glands and the bladder.
*The skene’s glands are located on either side of the urethral opening, and they’re so small that, like the urethral opening, they’re not always visible to the naked eye. The skene’s glands cannot produce the amount of ejaculate that is expelled in movies that show women swimming in their own sexy bath. At least, not normally.
If we look at ejaculate other ways, it’s the wet spot on the bed, the dribble during sex, and the buckets of liquid in a porn movie. All of that could be female ejaculate and sometimes it could be attributed to the fact that squirters stay well-hydrated. I learned that trick when working on my own educational DVD series. I worked with adult film actors like Cytherea, who could have saved Hollywood from its next drought. And the key was she drank a lot of water on set, and then she had orgasms pretty soon after hydrating. That’s what really gets the juices flowing, and then going – straight out of the body. That means, for a more visual experience, it’s all about hydration. If she’s a little more lubricated (as in hydrated or inebriated) she will have an easier time relaxing and getting in touch with her body, and she should be able to feel herself fill up. And if she’s concerned about peeing while you poke and pet the pussy, just have her get up and pee –on the toilet.
The best way to play with her juiciness is to get up in the vagina and get her aroused. Really aroused, and if she’s not wet yet, use lube too.
When you’re tickling her bits, include a g-spot massage. Insert one, or two fingers inside the vagina, massaging the top wall in a come hither motion. As the vagina begins to fill with fluid (you’ll feel this happen and know she’s wet) you can massage even further back, on the top wall towards the cervix, in an area sometimes known as the A-spot (the Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone). Thrust that finger up and down and gauge her reactions. Move your fingers back and forth and try circular motions (they will be small, vaginas are not that big). When you feel her vagina is fuller than usual and liquid is making a splash outside of her opening, it’s time to do what you do on a slip-n-slide, and let the wetness take her away. In order to squirt, she needs to bare down, which is the opposite of what she learns when she’s told to practice her kegel exercises(that’s squeeze up and release). She can try this while there’s a finger inside of her, but it works better when you remove fingers, the sex toy, or his penis in order to push out the fluid that she feels filling her up inside. She needs to push out to gush out, and it’s this pushing out that’s key.
My favorite toys for getting her to ejaculate include anything curved glass, or any toy that’s long enough, hard enough and can hit the G-spot too.
In the end, whatever you try and however deep you dig, female ejaculation is more of a sloppy good time than a target for pleasure. Not all women squirt, and not all women want to, and whatever gets her going is more important than gushing.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Goddess of forests and animals
Aranyani is a Hindu Goddess of Forests and the Animals that dwell within them.
She wears anklets with bells, and though seldom seen, She can be heard by the tinkling of Her anklets. She is also described as a dancer.
Her worship has declined in modern day Hinduism, and it is rare to find a temple dedicated to Aranyani now.
Aranyani is described as being elusive, fond of quiet glades in the jungle, and fearless of remote places...
Art by Zhiwei Tu
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Pro Domme BDSM services
We have been asked many times about Pro Domme services - where can someone go to, who can they see, is it safe, will she respect boundaries and limits, is she stern etc?
In fact we do know of a Pro Domme, Miss D has been involved in the BDSM lifestyle for many years.
Should you wish to make contact with her direct to discuss your needs and what times she is available, then please feel free to do so, details listed below:
cell - 076 871 8814
e-mail - www.diedreventer.pureromance.co.za
Miss D is also a member of www.fetlife.com - her profile link - https://fetlife.com/users/991639
Please note - a non-refundable deposit is necessary when making an appointment with Miss D - also, be aware that this is not a sex service!
50 Shades of Grey - Aftercare
Aftercare
A scene doesn't necessarily end when the toys are put away. Cuddling and comforting is a great way to wrap things up. Many subs like to be held after a scene. Some people can be very emotional after playing and need to be taken care of. Also it is a good idea to have some snacks and juices and/or caffeinated drinks handy, as well as plenty of water. Aftercare can also be one of the best parts of a scene, many couples/partners talk of a level of intimacy and closeness that they don't get otherwise. After an intense scene people can have various reactions anywhere from several hours to a few days. Subs AND Doms can experience an emotional drop (usually called top or bottom drop) . If you are not a couple/group living together you should keep in touch. Email works but a phone call is better and actually getting together is best. You may not experience a drop, but a follow up call is still a good idea. You will be taking care of an emotional need that can be as strong as the physical need you have already taken care of.
50 Shades of Grey - Types of Play
Types of Play
It is important to note that scene play does not have to involve B and D or S and M. Some Dominant/submissive relationships are purely cerebral. There really is no right or wrong way to play as long as safety isn't ignored. It is well beyond the scope of this document to talk about every type of play or scene but below are some of the basics. Remember, ALL of these topics and the myriad of others that exist should be part of negotiation.
Bondage: As stated above, bondage can be very simple or very elaborate, taking hours to apply. It's relatively easy for an adult to find examples of bondage on the Internet, some practical and some that are strictly fantasy. With practice and experience, the line between fantasy and reality narrows but it is important to realize that for some photos the model was put into the situation as quickly as possible, the picture taken ASAP and the model was then taken out of the situation as quickly as possible.
Discipline: Discipline can be anything, from feather to whip. Discipline can also be mental "stand in that corner and don't move until I tell you worm". As with most things in the scene discipline is relative, ones persons bliss is another persons agony.
Fetishes: It is possible to have a fetish for anything. Common fetishes include foot and shoe fetishes, breast fetishes, articles of clothing, smoking, etc. It is thought that fetishes stem from associating or objectifying something in youth in connection with a sexual thought or act. The association becomes stronger until sexual arousal becomes difficult or impossible without that something present either physically or at least in thought. Brought into a scene, producing that something can make the fetishist absolutely melt.
Role Play: Role play can be teacher and student, police and criminal, priest and nun, virtually anything you can imagine. It can be very serious or light and playful. For some, role play can be a way to act out very deep fantasies and emotions. People can literally become the role for a time. If you know someone is in a role, you should respect it, as you would respect any scene.
Clothing: Clothing can make a scene. We've all viewed pictures on the Internet of leather or rubber outfits, corsets and clothing that defy imagination. Clothing can help set the mood or help participants assume a role. Ultimately, though, clothing is but an extension of self. You don't need to spend all kinds of money unless you want to. If you feel sexy in a burlap bag, then you ARE sexy. There is no right or wrong answer.
Etiquette and protocol enable peaceful interactions and avoid unnecessary conflict. There's a well known anecdote that illustrates this: A wealthy society matron -- sometimes identified as Queen Victoria, sometimes identified as a Vanderbilt or Astor -- was hosting a lavish formal dinner. One of her guests was from another country and he was not familiar with "finger bowls." He didn't realize that the bowls of water with a slice of lemon floating in them were for cleaning fingers. He picked up the bowl and drank from it. Rather than embarrassing him with a correction, the hostess picked up her own bowl and drank from it. Soon all the other dinner guests followed suit.
They might not have followed the correct protocol but they were practicing good manners. In short, protocol and etiquette are not meant to ostracize and humiliate. Those who do so are practicing non-consensual abuse.
50 Shades of Grey - Safe Words
Safe Words
One safety technique is the safe word. This is a word the sub can use in scene to either modify the scene or stop it completely. The word should be something that normally won't come up in a scene, something like "falwell" for instance. No, stop and ouch are obviously poor safe words. Some people use the stop light system; Green meaning more more MORE. Yellow meaning this is getting intense you had better slow down or change what you are doing. Red meaning stop immediately. My particular word is a modifier. If I use it my Dom knows that anything I say after it is to be honored. This works well when you have a problem that doesn't require the scene stop like a cramp or something, but it might not be best in an emergency. Parties will often have a house safe word. Anyone within earshot or safety people (Dungeon Masters) can respond if they hear the word. If a partner is gagged an alternative safe sign can be used, such as a hand signal, series of noises, or dropping an object held in the hand. Safe words are another item to include in negotiation. If a Dom doesn't honour safe words then back off, and re-negotiate, or end this and find someone who will honour safe words and protect you from harm.
50 Shades of Grey - Negotiation
Negotiation
Negotiation is an important part of a first scene. Basically it means finding out a potential partner's limitations, interests and physical limits. This can be in the form of discussion or written questionnaire. This may sound pretty boring and sterile but done right it can be a lot of fun and very sensual. Use your imagination, something like "so boy, what's in that filthy little mind of yours?" and go from there. Remember this just isn't the Dom's responsibility, the Sub has to actively participate also. Telling a Dom you have no limits ("anything you wish to do to me master") is sort of like letting a mouse loose in a cheese factory. Negotiation is not the time to be coy, especially on things like the location of your asthma medication or anything else you might need, medically speaking. Your fears ("get away from me with that!!!!") and desires should also be explored. A Dom is not a mind reader, and shouldn't feel the need to play the role of "Big Bad Omnipotent One" either. If you the Dom aren't comfortable doing something say that. A potential submissive partner worthy of the name should appreciate the fact you will say you aren't comfortable with something rather than compromise their safety.
50 Shades of Grey - or reality? Respect & Protocol
Respect and Protocol in the Lifestyle
Just as a qualifier I am using the male pronouns for Dominants and female pronouns for submissive - but of course it could be changed. This is just the easiest for me to write in, as I am a female submissive whose Master is male.
Most of us have been to BDSM events, parties, munches and other miscellany gatherings where someone may complain about the behavior of a certain individual, or someone that exceeds an acceptable level of behavior and becomes unruly. It happens in the vanilla world so why wouldn't it happen in the BDSM community. In BDSM settings as well as vanilla there is a relative level of acceptable behavior. We often refer to this acceptable form of behavior as protocol. To simply define it, protocol is: etiquette, code of behavior, practice. In D/s terms, it can take on different meanings, but for the sake of this article it's dealing with the social interaction between couples, singles, Dominants and submissives and all those in the BDSM community.
There is a preconceived notion that once you're in the lifestyle somehow a magical transformation occurs where every submissive is open and available to anyone and everyone in the room. Granted, there are parties and gatherings where this type of behavior is accepted, encouraged, and expected. However, in most munches, play parties and BDSM events, this approach is not embraced by everyone. Making the assumption that every submissive will want to serve a Dominant is not being responsible, hence the need to have protocols.
A Dominant male attends some sort of BDSM function where there are new people that he does not recognize. As he meets and greets people that he does know, what protocols are out there when he meets a female submissive for the first time? How does he know if she is collared or not? Maybe there is a collar on her how does he approach her? Collars are used to be symbolic and significant throughout the lifestyle. So how does a Dominant identify if a submissive has been collared or not? Do we as a community know when a female who wears a little choker around her neck is collared or not? Instead of making an assumption, why not resort to the art of communication and ask her? Some collars are under layers of clothing - others are stark and noticeable. Other collars are not even collars at all as they become some sort of fashion statement - or one step further, they could be vanilla and just like dressing up Gothic. Or maybe there is not a visible collar instead they use a piercing or tattoo. Easy to assume, harder to pull one's foot from one's mouth - ask first before you go too far.
If someone is collared, what then becomes the protocol for communication? As per typical in the vanilla way of things - you typically don't (or shouldn't) hit on your neighbor's wife. The same holds true for the lifestyle D/s relationship as we hope that there is a respect and honor among each. Unfortunately just as those that like to encroach in relationships on the vanilla side of the fence, also do the same thing on the D/s side of the fence as well.
While there's no generally accepted wrong approach to talking with a collared submissive, there are definite parameters to work within. Most notably is that even if a submissive is collared to someone - does not automatically make them collared to every Dominant that walks in the room. It's up to the submissive's Dominant to establish an acceptable response to someone else who may try to intervene in that relationship. If a Dominant outside of the relationship cannot respect them, then the submissive should be given the power to respectfully excuse herself/himself from the situation. Everyone should respect what the protocol that her Dominant has laid out instead of pushing the situation. Another unknown element is what type of protocol the submissive may be in at that party. Maybe the Dominant has placed her in high protocol and she would be unable to speak, eyes downcast, and may even come across being rude because she was told not to respond or react. On another track: maybe the Dominant has an existing rule in place for their submissive and how to act and respond in public.
Respect in the lifestyle varies, but it's very responsible to assume nothing and be mindful and polite towards the submissive and the Dominant they are attached to. The following actually happened while I attended a private D/s setting without my Master. I had on my (very visible) collar and I was then given an order by a Dominant at the gathering. He used a very authoritative tone. He did not ask me - he commanded me. This Dominant was not someone who I am familiar with - he was someone I had just met. He and I even had a conversation prior to his instructions about how I was owned and that my Master had allowed me to attend the gathering. Was his command appropriate? Given that my Master did give me certain rules and guidelines, he did not authorize me to take orders from every Dominant that walked in the room. I was stunned, upset and paused for a moment. Because it was related to my close friends, I did what was asked even though I was not extremely happy about how I was put in that situation. I felt upset and did not feel as though he respected my relationship with my Master or also me as a submissive.
Okay so what if I wasn't owned? Was it okay for him to just "tell" me what to do without any other setup, discussion, or negotiation? No, I don't think a Dominant should order or tell a submissive to do something without their consent. Unattached submissives present are not just there for any Dominant use and abuse. Just because someone is submissive does not mean they submit to every Dominant that walks in the room. And the submissive should know she has her personal power to excuse herself from the situation.
The Dominant that told me to go do something could have said - "Will you please go put that down and come back here to help out?" Instead in a more dominating demeanor he said, "...go put that down and then come back here and help." I've long since considered the ramifications if I would have told him, or asked him to rephrase the question more acceptably. How would he have felt if I had told him that? Would he felt it was disrespectful to him as Dominant? The response would've likely been negative because it would have been seen as defying his "authority" or "place" in the lifestyle. Would it have been disrespectful to him as a Dominant? Considering the lack of respect he had for saying what he did, the way he did - should he expect any respect to be given back to him? Since he did not do anything to merit receiving respect, it's not unreasonable for him to expect less respect in return.
Does that reflect poorly? It may. But submissives can and should bestow integrity just as much as Dominants should. My Master was proud of the way I handled the situation even though he was not really pleased that the other Dominant intervened as he did. It makes one wonder if the Dominant would have been so demanding had Master been there with me.
The main thing about protocol is that respect goes both ways. Even though Master does/can and will order me around, there are times He will still ask me to something and thank me for it. Just because a person says they are a Dominant does not give them the license to be disrespectful, less polite and demanding. Ultimately every person who attends any BDSM function should be treated with courtesy with their rights being respected and honored. No one should make a demand of another unless both parties have consented.
While most of this article specifically identifies areas in which Dominants should be more respectful, the same can be said for submissives as well. It's important to remember that every submissive is under no obligation to serve or obey anyone they do not choose to serve. If this is a private play party where specific rules are to be observed, then it's the responsibility of the submissive to be fully versed in what could potentially happen while attending that particular function. Dominants should watch after submissives that may have unexpectedly entered "in the wrong place, at the wrong time" and take measures to see that things still remain on a consensual basis.
Just as Dominants need to follow protocol when approaching submissives, subs need to follow their own level of protocol. That's not to say that a submissive can't be themselves, but care and prudence need to be exercised when in a public or a private setting. Some Dominants may like being called "Master or Mistress/Sir or Ma`am" where others would find that offensive and presumptuous. Submissives also need to be aware it is extremely inappropriate for a submissive to surround, fondle, or present themselves to a Dominant without permission from the Dominant.
There are a lot of different thoughts pertaining to an acceptable approach to meeting up with someone within the lifestyle. Some protocols are explicit when they state that it is "not permissible for a collared submissive to be approached, spoken to or touched by another person without the EXPLICIT permission of their Dominant. Any unapproved contact of ANY sort is considered to be highly offensive." Some strict rules such as this carry a tough penalty including that if any one that did such a thing would be asked to leave the event or gathering.
Now I do find that a little extreme. But I do understand it. If I was in high protocol and someone came up to me to speak to me or give me a hug…I would be disobeying my Master by breaking protocol. Therefore, cover your bases. Be polite and respectful, go up to the Dominant first, ask permission and let nature take its course after that.
Some general rules for everyone to follow:
* Be Real…
* Be Honest…
* Be Upfront…
* Be Polite…
* Have Respect…
Rules especially for Dominants to follow when they meet a submissive:
* Treat her as you would want a friend to be treated…
* Treat her as you would treat someone you were meeting in a mall for the first time…
* Ask her to do something, don't tell or command her to do something…
Rules especially for submissives to follow when they meet a Dominant:
* Know your place - meaning be able to differentiate between a consensual and non-consensual situation
* Respectfully decline. There's no need to be aggressive, but if the situation becomes smothering, approach the leader of the gathering for assistance.
Each person might be a little nervous on what to do, but generally if you are not sure what to be doing or saying - a good common rule to follow is to just be courteous. Good manners are always appropriate vanilla or BDSM.